OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
