Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
