every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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