I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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