THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
