These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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