He passed out mid-signature
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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