Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
