I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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