she peed on how many people?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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