Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize