yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
