We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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