He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
