You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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