well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
