I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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