i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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