No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
