Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
