It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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