if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
