i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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