I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
