Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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