your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
