there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
