I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
