The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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