Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
