After last night, I could never be a politician.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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