no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
my liver is dry heaving
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
