there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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