Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
