don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
