***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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