just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
