my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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