Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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