Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
