it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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