I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
