i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
