I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
