Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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