I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
