ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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