I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
