Apparently you make a good broom.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
