Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
