Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
