Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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