Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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