my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
