headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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