im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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