Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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