i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize